What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and stabs all the wounded.
"A fool and his money are soon audited"
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren't met?
Release one every hour.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"
How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement?
He wears his grey suit instead of the blue
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"What did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a Nepali CA."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Bijay How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him.
"How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don't you?"
The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern England."
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."